toss and turn in yr honor
love at the edge of hate
confusion at the edge of pain
   how can i figure
   it involves any thought of me?

thinking too much,
doing too little,
conflicting who i want to be
            who i am

dreams like liquid nitrogen
spilling onto burning
smoking into oblivion
catching my attention
dripping holes through 
      my concentration like acid
   like asprin on an empty stomach
   like dreaming without sleeping, living

you're not who i know you are
   now you'll never live
 up to me

unless...

forgotten, gone, lost
   a memory left only
     in a scarred reflection
 marred by that stick
  up your ass
adding to the hate, my unwanted
unrequitted desire
    brought by love

turned poison
  venom from my reptilian mind
   crazed, starved for

freedom of the forgotten sense
  a sense i forget
i make no sense, maybe
that's just it
and i've
         forgotten

you speak her name
  at the most unwanted time
i almost forgot
   she existed

if she means so much
   do i mean

nothing's wrong - forget it all
i make no sense
i have no point

you are the point
you'll never know
    they'll never know
  if you could inspire me
i'd let you

figure me out, please
i can't do it myself
     i plead to you w/o words
maybe that's why yr response
 is silent

nothing
me
nothing
maybe
no
nevermind
i
am
nothing
to
you

sticking to my thoughts like
  the gum on my goddamned shoe
 taunting me, my train of thought
missing
     never actually had one

FUCK! GET OFF MY GODDAMNED SHOE!
LET ME THINK!
LET ME BREATHE!
LET ME BE

  the person i was before
 you tortured my thoughts
but maybe that does

nothing
i'm
still
nothing
to
you





(february 2003)